Four Rules of Gotham
by temari13
Summary: Batman has decided that it's time he gave Gotham some new rules.
1. Batman

All right! My first Batman fanfic on here! It's a little goofy to read, but I think it's pretty funny. So please read and review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Batman.

* * *

I had been out on my patrol when I had noticed Catwoman talking with a man. She was obviously looking for some information. He, however, had other thoughts.

I observed him as he leered at Catwoman, his interest in her plainly visible by how he was acting. His gaze never went above her chest, and every word that came out of his mouth was a lewd comment or innuendo. When he couldn't offer her the information she needed, she shoved him away in disgust, and, hooking her whip around a fire escape attached to the side of a building, swung onto the roof and vanished.

I noticed that, during the entire exchange, my fists had clenched involuntarily. Now I flexed them, itching to sink my fist into the guy's face. Perhaps it was time to establish some new rules in Gotham. I shot out my grapple hook and swung down from the roof, landing quietly behind the thug.

"Hey."

The guy whirled around, his eyes widening when he noticed me standing there. "Aw, man! I wasn't doin' anythin'! I swear!"

I leveled him with a stare, watching him as he squirmed. "You were doing something. You were thinking."

He gulped, "So now it's a crime to think?"

"If you think about the wrong things, then yes." I grabbed him by the front of the shirt, yanking him close. "Listen, and listen good. I'm only saying this once. I want you to repeat it to everyone you meet. Got it?"

He nodded, "Y-yeah, I got it."

"There are four new rules in Gotham that begin tonight. Rule number one: don't look at my Cat. Rule number two: don't even think about my Cat. Rule number three: don't even talk about my Cat. Rule number four: if you break rule number one, rule number two, or rule number three, don't even think about begging for mercy when I find you. Because I will find you, and I will not have any mercy on you. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I do. Don't look at your Cat, don't think about your Cat, don't talk about your Cat, and don't beg for mercy." He stated, shaking uncontrollably.

"Good." I threw him to the ground and turned. "Remember, tell everyone you meet." I melted into the shadows, disappearing as quickly and silently as I had appeared. I allowed myself a smirk. Catwoman was now untouchable to anyone except for me.

Just the way I liked it.


	2. Catwoman

Here we are! The second chapter of Four Rules of Gotham. This chapter has Catwoman's response. Read and review, please!

* * *

I had begun my prowl around East End the same time as usual -nine o'clock sharp. It was now nearing midnight, and so far, I had apprehended five drug dealers, three would-be rapists, and at least ten muggers.

Eighteen bad guys no longer roaming around my part of the city. Normally, I would be patting myself on the back and congratulating myself on a job well done. However, their captures had been easy. Far too easy.

The first crook I had caught was a mugger. He'd been preying on a young man returning home with his pay for the week. Just as the robber had been about to run off with the cash, I had arrived and wrapped my whip around his leg, pulling back on it just enough to make him fall.

The mugger looked over, and his eyes widened before he quickly averted his gaze. "H-here," he had stuttered, holding out the wad of money. "Take it."

I had cautiously taken it, expecting it to be a trick. Instead of him jumping me for a surprise attack, he simply ran away, leaving me to stare after him.

The next seventeen criminals acted just the same. When they realized it was me, they refused to look at me or fight me, so I was able to subdue them with no problem.

That, however, got tiresome. I had been looking forward to some action, but so far hadn't gotten any. That was when I decided that the next person I came across would be the unlucky one who would answer my question.

As luck would have it, five minutes later, I spied a man attempting to break into a house. I was very careful not to make presence known until I was directly behind him. Then I grabbed him by the back of the shirt and tossed him onto the ground. I knelt beside him, keeping part of his shirt firmly in my grasp. "What is going on?"

His stunned gaze met mine before he snapped his eyes shut. "N-nothing! Please let me go!"

"Not until you answer my question. And look at me when I'm talking to you!"

He frantically shook his head, "No. I can't look. He'll kill me!"

My curiosity aroused, I tilted my head and prodded some more, "Who will kill you?"

"Batman! Look, you gotta let me go. If he sees me talking to you, he'll-"

"Hold on a minute," I interrupted. "Batman doesn't kill."

"But he will! I swear! It's part of the Four Rules of Gotham!"

"The what?" I blinked. I hadn't heard of any new rules.

"The Four Rules of Gotham," he repeated. "Rule number one: don't look at my Cat. Rule number two: don't even think about my Cat. Rule number three: don't even talk about my Cat. Rule number four: if you break rule number one, rule number two, or rule number three, don't even think about begging for mercy when I find you. Because I will find you, and I will not have any mercy on you."

I rocked back on my heels, completely shocked. "When did he make these new rules?"

"Last night. I heard from Jack who heard from Lionel who heard from Mark who heard from-"

"Okay, I get the picture." I stood up. "Get out of here. I need to find a certain Bat," I muttered.

After wandering around Gotham for a few minutes, I came across Batman. While I had been searching, I had been seething about the rules. What had possessed him to install those ridiculous rules? Did he think that I couldn't take care of myself?

I approached him, not even bothering to disguise my footsteps. It made no difference if I did. He always knew when I was coming. He turned towards me, and it was all I could do to not scratch his eyes out. I did, however, swing my whip at him. He moved slightly to avoid it.

"Four Rules of Gotham?" I hissed, my green eyes sparking dangerously.

"What about them?"

"I am perfectly capable of protecting myself," I spat out, the crack of my whip punctuating each word.

"I know."

"Then why the rules?" I was standing in front of him, breathing heavily, my left hand gripping his cape.

He said nothing, just as I thought would happen. He just simply stared at me.

"Well, whatever your reason was, I don't like it. No one shows any resistance! They all surrender instantly," I complained.

"You'll get used to it."

I scowled, "Just you wait. I'll get you back for this."

A slight smirk crossed his face, "Is that so?"

"Oh, yes." I stepped towards him again, my eyes locked onto his. When I was in front of him, I tilted my head back.

"You don't scare me."

"I know," My fingers danced across his chest, traced the Bat symbol, before sliding lower...

...And snatching his utility belt.

I quickly jumped back, "I have your belt, Batman, and you know I'm not going to give it up very easily. The only way for you to get it back is to fight me."

He grunted.

"I have all this energy. I need some way to burn it off," I called out before leaping to the next roof. Without even glancing behind me, I knew that he was following. I smirked. He was so going to pay for those Four Rules of Gotham.


	3. Jim

Chapter three of The Four Rules of Gotham! This will have Commissioner Jim Gordon's reaction to the rules that Batman has set up.

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman. Or Bruce Wayne. But I'd buy either of them if I could. Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to be able to do that. So they will never be mine.

* * *

In all my years on the police force, I had seen plenty of crazy things. Soon, it became natural to expect insanity. One night, though, took the cake.

I was in my office, finishing up some paperwork when there was a knock at the door. "Come in."

The door opened slightly, and Peter Worthington poked his head in. "Um, Commissioner Gordon? There's someone who wants to see you."

I frowned slightly, "Send him in."

The door opened even wider, revealing a thin man. His clothing was tattered, and his gaze kept darting around the room.

"What can I do for you?" I eyed him. He was nervous. Maybe he had witnessed a crime and was coming to report on it, and was afraid that whoever had committed it would try to kill him.

"I'm here to turn myself in."

"Excuse me?" I sputtered.

"Look, I know he'll find me. I figured that if I came to you and got arrested, you could keep me safe."

"What's your name?"

"Allen Jones."

"And your crime?" I leaned back in my chair.

"Thinking about Catwoman."

My eyebrows shot up, "That's a crime?"

"It is now. See, it's part of the Four Rules of Gotham. Batman made them up last night. 'Rule number one: don't look at my Cat. Rule number two: don't even think about my Cat. Rule number three: don't even talk about my Cat. Rule number four: if you break rule number one, rule number two, or rule number three, don't even think about begging for mercy when I find you. Because I will find you, and I will not have any mercy on you,'" Allen recited.

I exchanged glances with Peter, "I see. Well, I'm not going to arrest you." I held up a hand when he began to protest. "When Batman finds you, give him this." Scribbling a note onto a piece of paper, I handed it to Allen. "He won't bother you after that."

He mumbled his thanks, then shuffled off. I sat back and waited.

Twenty minutes later, Batman appeared in my office. "You wanted to see me?"

Although I had been expecting him, I still couldn't stop myself from jumping. "Yes, I did. Batman, contrary to what you might think, looking at Catwoman, talking about Catwoman, and thinking about Catwoman are not crimes."

He merely stared at me.

I sighed, "Although now I know what your...relationship is with her."

"Is that all, Commissioner?"

"Huh? Oh, one more thing. Please don't enforce these rules of yours. I fear that we're going to be flooded with people coming to confess their 'crime' involving any of the, uh, four rules. We need to save time for the major criminals."

"Very well. Then I will deal with them on my own."

"Wait! That's not what I-!" I turned around, but he was already gone. Sighing again, I rubbed the bridge of my nose.

"Commissioner Gordon?" It was Peter again. "There's someone else who wants to talk to you."

I groaned. It was going to be a very long night.


	4. Tim

And here is Tim's perspective about the Four Rules of Gotham. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman.

* * *

I had heard about the Four Rules of Gotham, but hadn't known how seriously some people took them.

I was out on patrol with Batman, following a lead on a string of robberies that had been taking place over the past three nights. Our search took us to East End. I kept waiting for Catwoman to leap out and attack us for being in her part of town, but she didn't. That was because she was dealing with a thief.

Needless to say it was rather amusing to watch the guy quiver in fear and apologize. Even from where I stood twenty feet away, I could sense her displeasure. But what could she do about it? Batman had spoken, and no one dared to cross the Batman.

Okay, some people would. Like Joker, Poison Ivy, Penguin.

Let me correct myself. No _sane_ person would dare to cross the Batman.

My attention was drawn away from Catwoman by two men huddling by a dumpster. One of the men was staring directly at Catwoman, while the other was staring in the opposite direction.

"Wow, she's something else."

"Nate, you don't wanna be doin' that. The Bat will know, and he'll kill you! Remember? The four rules I told you about?"

Nate scoffed, "I think he's a legend. A myth. Who in their right mind would dress up as a giant- Whoa! That suit is so skin tight, it leaves practically nothing to the imagination."

I glanced over at Bruce to see if was paying attention to the guy. He was.

"I'm tellin' ya, Nate. You better stop."

"Mike, I've been living here for three days, and I haven't seen him yet. He doesn't exist. He's just something from a cop's imagination to keep us all terrified. But this kitty, she's not imaginary. She's real."

Just as I was beginning to wonder how long it would be before Bruce interfered, I noticed he was already gone. I watched as a shadow fell over Nate and Mike.

Mike looked up, terrified. "I was tryin' to tell him, Batman! Honest!"

"Go," the Dark Knight ground out.

Mike wasted no time in hurrying away, leaving Nate alone to suffer the wrath of Batman.

Nate turned and, much to his surprise, came face to face with the 'legend.' "B-Batman?" His eyes widened in horror as he realized that what his friend had been saying was true. "H-hey, I'm new here, so why don't you cut me a break?"

Batman glared at him, "Fine." He drove his fist into Nate's stomach, then slammed him against the dumpster.

He coughed and gasped for air. "I thought...you were going to...cut me a break."

"I did. I refrained from breaking every single bone in your body. Next time," Batman spat, "remember the four rules."

When Batman rejoined me, I grinned, "How long are you going to keep this up?"

"Until everyone in Gotham gets it through their head. Catwoman is untouchable. Now let's go. We need to find the robbers before the trail gets cold."

Chuckling to myself, I followed after him. Truth be told, I was kind of hoping that it would take a while before the Gothamites understood. It was very entertaining to watch the great Batman go psycho on anyone who dared to break the Four Rules of Gotham.


End file.
